Even When I'm Gone
by Capasso-007
Summary: -Story takes place during Seisouhen- "It will be alright Koishi," Kenshin said quietly, "I'm not afraid to die." "But Kenshin, think of me. You don't understand!" "I don't understand Koishi? I don't understand what it's like to lose a loved one?" R


A/N: I've just watched Seisouhen again and I want to write another POV of what Kenshin telliing Kaoru about his disease may have been like. I don't know if I want to leave it as a one shot or continue with it, but I don't think I did half bad with it if I say so myself. Please R&R.

000

The sun was going down highlighting his red hair. He listened to the rushing of the river as it ran past him, and looked at his reflection in the clear water. He had definately aged over the years. It had seemed that the first 25 years of his life had gone by slowly, and it had only been slower because of the lonliness that he felt. However, the last few years, had seemed to go by much faster. Maybe even too fast. But then again, he thought, if my time has gone by too fast, then I've lived at last.

He sat pondering over everything in his life. From the death of his parents, to being enslaved, spending years learning the Hiten-Mitsurugi-Ryu, leaving his Shisho to fight the war, being hired by Katsura, meeting Tomoe and then losing her to his own blade, he paused, **_to his own blade._** That was what made him decide that after the war, he would never kill again. Then he became a Rurouni for ten years, a life full of lonliness. And finally, finding peace again, with Kaoru.

"Kaoru."

Oh, how he loved that name. He had only stopped calling her Kaoru-dono, shortly before their wedding. He remembered all the good times that they had together then. One of his proudest moments was when little Kenji came along. Although he definately wasn't so little anymore. He was growing so fast. He was a spitting image of Kenshin at that age, but an entirely different individual. He had so many reasons to be happy, and was virtually oblivious to the lonliness and pain that Kenshin had experienced from such an early age.

The wind picked up slightly and blew the loose strands of Kenshin's hair about his face. He watched as the Sakura petals floated from their places down to the ground. He and Kaoru had spent countless hours watching the Sakura together. It was something that they both appreciated and loved to do, and so, when he saw them, they reminded him of her.

And then he thought of the present. No, he didn't want to think of the present. So he tried to think about the future. But it was no use. Would there even be a future for him? He, Kenshin Himura, had withstood every man ever to come his way. He had lived through every battle. And now, he was losing one. A battle he was defenseless against. It was a battle against himself. He was dying from a disease. One that even he, the once famous Hitokiri Battousai, could not defeat. He had already given Yahiko his Sakabato, and given up his swordsmanship. He could no longer wield a sword. Now there was only one important thing left. Telling Kaoru. But even though he knew she had every right in the world to know, he couldn't bring himself to tell her. Not yet. He didn't want to see the look of worry on her face again. Not yet. But Megumi-dono had advised him not to wait too long.

.........flashback..............

"I'm sorry," she had said, her voice cracked, and tears streaming down her cheeks," there's nothing I can do Ken-san. You have an icurable disease. I'm sorry."

Kenshin looked down at his feet. Then in an almost monotone voice that showed no emotion, he spoke.

"It's alright Megumi-dono. I understand. Arigato for all you have done. I am indebted to you de gozaru."

"Ken-san," Megumi said, "Promise me you will tell Kaoru-dono soon. It's not fair to make her wait."

"Hai, Megumi-dono."

"Arigato Ken-san."

........end flashback........

Kenshin stood up and walked along the bank a moment.

**_Promise me you'll tell Kaoru-dono soon. It's not fair to make her wait._**

****

**_Hai, Megumi-dono._**

****

Kenshin made up his mind. He would have to keep his promise to Megumi-dono. She was right, Kaoru had a right to know. Kenshin took one final glance at the reflection of the sunset in the river, and headed back the the dojo.

000

"Go away for the weekend?" Kaoru asked.

"Hai, Koishi. I think it's a great idea de gozaru. We could spend some time together."

"Kenshin, I... I don't know." Kaoru said hesitantly. "I mean, what do we do with Kenji?"

"I'm sure that Yahiko and Tsubame wouldn't mind watching him. After all, Yahiko is 17 de gozaru-ka."

"But Kenshin...."

"And I'm sure that Tae-dono, and Megumi-dono, wouldn't mind helping either. Besides, Kenji is getting older, he will be fine."

Kaoru concidered this a moment.

"Onegai Koishi?" Kenshin asked sincerely.

Kaoru smiled. If it meant that much to Kenshin.....

"Alright."

Kenshin kissed Kaoru goodnight, and headed off to bed.

000

"Kyoto? Why are we going to Kyoto first?" Kaoru asked her husband.

"I have to say goodbye to a friend of mine, for the last time, de gozaru." Kenshin said.

"Why the last time?" Kaoru questioned.

"You will see Koishi."

Kaoru took Kenshin's hand in hers.

"Aishiteru Anata." she said.

"I love you too Koishi." Kenshin replied.

Soon they reached a little cemetary just outside of the city of Kyoto. Kaoru wondered why they had come here? Was the friend Kenshin spoke of here? Was that why it was the last time? This friend was in the cemetary? She followed Kenshin through the winding pathways until they reached a small headstone in the corner under a tree. It read Himura Tomoe. Kenshin placed the flowers he had been carrying on the grave, and closed his eyes.

"It's not much, Tomoe. But it's all I have to give. Forgive me." Kenshin's eyes filled with tears, "Arigato Tomoe. You have watched me through the years. Been a guardian. Now I ask you to watch my son. Guide him, as you have guided me. Arigato Tomoe."

As Kenshin and Kaoru walked away, Kaoru couldn't help but wonder why Kenshin had asked Tomoe to guide his son. Why couldn't Kenshin do it? Kaoru decided not to ask Kenshin about it then, but a feeling of uneasiness was slowly creeping over her.

"Kenshin...?"

"Hai Koishi?"

"Never mind. It was nothing. Where are we going now?"

"The ocean." Kenshin replied.

000

The waves crashed against the sand at Kenshin's feet. He gazed off towards the now fading sun. Kaoru couldn't take her gaze off her husband. His usual smile was gone. He stood expressionless staring into the sky. Something was wrong. She could tell now. She couldn't keep from asking him anymore.

"Kenshin?"

"Hai?" He replied softly.

"Why did you asked Tomoe-san to guide Kenji?"

Kenshin took a deep breath.

"Kenshin? What's wrong?" Kaoru said, her voice cracking.

Kenshin turned and his eyes met his wife's. His violet eyes gazed intently at her.

"Kaoru...." he whispered, sending tingles down her spine.

The light was deminishing quickly, and the shadows grew long. The fireflies started to become visible, and Kaoru remembered the last time that she and Kenshin had been alone with the fireflies. He had been leaving to fight with Shishio, and she thought she had lost him forever. She looked away from him. She did not want to remember that time in her life.

Kenshin reached out his hand and pulled Kaoru closer to him. He then laid a kiss on her lips that was so full of love, it almost made Kaoru cry.

"Koishi...." Kenshin began again, "Do you know why I brought you here?"

Kaoru shook her head.

"Koishi, I need you to understand, I want nothing more than your happiness. I... I've lived a tainted life, and yet you still loved me, and took me in. You have given me more than I ever thought I could have. And then on everything else, you have given me a son. What more could I ever ask for? From you, or anyone? This unworthy one has finally found peace, and...... I've finally learned how to live Kaoru. I love you."

Kaoru nodded, but she still didn't understand.

Kenshin opened his Gi for a moment, showing Kaoru the red sores that covered his body. Kaoru's eyes went wide.

"Kenshin what.....?" She said, her voice full of fear.

"A while back I went and saw Megumi-dono." he said while putting his Gi back into place," Kaoru.... I have a disease. It's killing me."

Kaoru shook her head.

"No... no Kenshin, we'll go see Megumi-san again, and I'm sure she'll...."

"There is nothing she can do Koishi, I'm dying."

Kaoru only shook her head.

"No Anata......" tears fell from her cheeks, "No!"

"It will be alright Koishi," Kenshin said quietly, "I'm not afraid."

"But Kenshin, Kenji and I, we need you."

"Kaoru I---"

"If you die Kenshin, I'll die too. I can't live without you Anata. I won't live!"

"You **_must_** live Koishi. Think of Kenji."

"Kenshin, think of me. You don't understand!"

"I don't understand Koishi? I don't understand what it's like to lose a loved one?"

Kaoru realized how selfish she was being.

"Kaoru, I know how you feel. I do understand, but you have to be strong. Kenji needs you. I know how much pain there is, and you have every right to feel this way. But Koishi, I want to spend what time I have left making you happy. Onegai, all I've ever wanted was to make you happy. Let me."

Kaoru glanced up as a tear fell from Kenshin's eye. She fell into his arms.

"Oh Anata, what will I do without you?"

"Koishi, you'll never truly be without me. I'll always be with you. Whenever you need me, I'll be there."

Kenshin tightened his embrace around his wife. Kaoru looked up at him.

"Kaoru?"

"Hai Anata?"

Kenshin kissed his wife again, trying to pour all of the love in his heart into that one kiss. Tears streamed down Kaoru's face.

"I love you Kaoru."

"I love you too... Kenshin."

The two sat there on the beach, in each others arms, for the rest of the night. Eventually Kaoru fell asleep in Kenshin's arms. _Just as it should be._ Kenshin thought. And he fell asleep with her in his arms, dreaming of all she had given him.

A/N: I hope you enjoyed. I did. I almost want to keep going to the very end. Or maybe I'll just leave it here. I don't know. Anyway, to all those who review, I give you a free tissue. (hands reviewers tissues) Love ya! R&R!


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